Aliens Living In The Walls – A Twenty Year Old Incident

Herb’s Blog, Herbdate 23852 – 1291

My Dear and Faithful Readers,

I was going through some of the old posts, and found buried a post from 2005 about an incident that happened, which I had forgotten about until I re-read it, and my memory was jarred. We had been given some very nice tickets to Les Misérables at the Buell Theater in Denver. Very nice, very expensive tickets, and I set them very carefully on my desk in a special spot so nothing would happen to them. Well,

Here’s the Haps:

Do you ever wonder where things disappear to? Example: you have a pen and you set it down on the table, but when you go to look for it, it’s gone. You look all around the table and the floor and everywhere. It had been there mere seconds ago. Then, two days later, when you are not looking for it anymore, it appears in the bathroom behind the sink. Most of us have had these things happen to us from time to time. Well, I am about to disclose to you what I know. There are aliens that live in the walls. They are so illegal that they are not even from this planet. They set up bases inside your walls and then they come and take your stuff for their equivalent of anthropological study and to collect your DNA to clone you. This is why you get in trouble for things you never did and why you are supposedly seen at places that you never were and probably would never go, but someone says, “I know it was you! It had to be you. Who else looks like you?” This accusatory and infallible logic is based on the person seeing your clone, say, perhaps, walking out of the grocery store with an embarrassing purchase of one kind or another under their arm. Your arm. Whatever. So, the next time something goes missing or you are seen somewhere you wouldn’t be caught dead, it is just the aliens that live in the walls.

They also have, what I will call in most unscientific terms, “black holes” or space warps or whatever they might be called, which they use to send things back to their home planet for the scientists there to study. These are things like two hundred dollars worth of theater tickets that you know you set on your desk just two weeks ago. They have to be on this desk somewhere. There is no other place you could possibly have left them. None. Really. The resident aliens pick up your frantic distress signal with the subtle instruments they have, like the ones that measure the seismic waves in the ceiling that your wife has just hit because you lost two hundred dollars worth of tickets in that black hole you call a desk! You are suddenly the misérables one and the night and the weekend and your life for a while into the future are going to be just as bad, if not worse.

Realizing that they are on the verge of causing a potential intergalactic incident and their base being discovered by an extremely angry human female, the aliens quickly call for the items back. But since you are frantically tearing up the desk, they decide to put the tickets in the pocket of the suit you are about to wear, if you ever find the tickets. They then tap her on the shoulder (whether she is aware of their existence and is, in fact, in cahoots with them is another question for a different post, I think, but how does she seem to almost instantly find those lost items nobody else in the house can seem to locate?) and using their limited power of suggestion, cause her to think, “Could he have possibly have had the foresight to put them in the pocket of his suit?” She then comes walking out and calmly wades through the piles and piles of books and notepapers, and rubbish that you have piled everywhere in your frantic searching, and simply holds them out, waiting for you to notice that she is standing there. She hands you the tickets and stomps off with a “humph” that you will waste your time explaining anything to, even though you know, in fact, that you did set them on the corner of the desk. *sighs*